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New Zealand and Australia boycott 2011 Rugby World Cup

Mon, Oct 8, 2007, Posted by   print

Satire

Super World Series of Rugby logoAt a joint press conference today, the New Zealand and Australian Rugby Unions announced that they have withdrawn from future World Cup competition as a protest to the current format which encourages complacency by pestering the teams with pointless fixtures against developing rugby nations.

‘Crushing teams like Italy, Scotland and Portugal by as much as 95 points puts too much pressure on our boys,’ said Andy Leslie, President of the NZRU. ‘When we finally get some opposition, the performance anxiety is too great and we buckle beneath it…who wouldn’t,’ he continued.

National team players echoed the sentiments of the union executives. George Gregan, former Australian captain and world record cap holder, commented in Marseille following Saturday’s early exit from the 2007 Rugby World Cup at the hands of England.

‘We walked through the pool stages, and I was mentally prepared to do the same until the final against South Africa. Who does England think they are playing so hard at the rucks and in the scrum … defending champions? I say that if a ball is on the ground between some props knees, then contesting that ruck by coming through the gates and driving over the ball is just plain rude. It’s not how we do it down under.’

Dan Carter, architect and fly-half of the New Zealand World Cup campaign, spoke of the uneven effect the media had on the Rugby World Cup and their narrow loss to championship hosts France.

‘All I did was mention one day how the match balls seemed to be affecting my kicking game just a little. Then they started an enquiry, and the next thing you know France spends 40 minutes kicking the ball!’

‘It felt like a personal attack and I just couldn’t concentrate on my game. You know, France lost to Argentina so I wasn’t even taking this match seriously. I don’t even know where Argentina is! We need a world tournament where the media is on everyone’s side equally and doesn’t try to analyze us. We even had to wear some weird grey-colored jersey today, what’s up with that?”

Mr. Carter, who models undergarments for Jockey, was referring to their first 2007 RWC loss to France in which a coin toss was used to determine which team would wear their away colors.

‘Have you seen our home kit…we’re called the All Blacks for a reason. Today I just didn’t feel like myself despite my comfortable Jockey compression shorts which wick away the moisture and stay dry for a full 80 minutes. If other rugby nations could design their kit around the All Blacks color scheme, that would be great.”

The departure of two great rugby nations from the Rugby World Cup will surely be a blow to fans everywhere, especially in Australia and New Zealand. When asked how the Australian and New Zealand citizens would feel when some other country was crowned the Rugby World Cup Champions in 2011, a detailed plan for a new tournament was presented by Peter McGrath, ARU chairman.

‘The SANZAR rugby nations are set to launch a new international championship to supersede the Rugby World Cup. We will re-brand the Super14 competition as the Super World Series of Rugby (SWSoR). Since the highest quality rugby is played in our countries, we will skip the formalities of playing the other rugby nations. Besides, the Super 14 logo already has a global look and only a few small changes are needed to complete the re-branding process (see inset).’

When questioned as to the legitimacy of their new tournament, Mr. McGrath made their position clear.

‘The SWSoR is still waiting for final approval from the International Rugby Board, but we have a solid case. We simply cited all the other World Series sports like American baseball and poker where equal qualification and representation by the most skilled nations on the planet are not a prerequisite to crowning a world champion. As you can see, we’re pretty confident.’

South Africa is waiting for their impending semi-final loss to Argentina to officially announce their endorsement of the SWSoR but have stated that their support is conditional on the exclusion of Los Pumas from the new tournament since South America doesn’t really fit easily on the existing logo concept (above).

In related news, France has demanded that they be awarded the Web Ellis trophy and designated the 2007 Rugby World Cup Champions with immediate effect so they can get back to doing more important things than playing rugby.

In contrast, England remains in a catatonic state of shock. When asked how they plan to prepare for the upcoming semi-final against France, coach Brian Ashton lifted his head from his hands only briefly.

‘Oh shit’, were the only words he could manage.

26 Responses to “New Zealand and Australia boycott 2011 Rugby World Cup”

  1. Josh Houston says:

    You’ve got to be kidding me! These people are ridiculous. That is the worst display of sportsmanship I have ever heard of. Exit the World Cup and blame everyone but yourselves. Very nice, very profesional. George Gegan has always been a cry baby furing the match, after the match, in between matches, etc. But this is a new low. Contesting a ruck just plain rude? Come on. If this guys wakes up the next morning, reads his comments and doesn’t shudder, there’s something severely wrong with this guy. I just can’t believe some of the comments I’m reading above made by Dan Carter and George Gregan.

    I really don’t have anything else to write…..This is just too disturbing.

  2. Josh Houston says:

    Whether or not this “seperate World Series type tournament” happens, New Zealand should be stripped of their hosting PRIVLEDGES for 2011. Australlia and New Zealand are a disgrace to rugby and they should be ashamed of themselves.

  3. Francis says:

    That’s a good one Vic. So good and believable I almost fell for it.

    “They were a better side, but we played a better match”

  4. yue-houng says:

    tongue firmly in cheek?

  5. Vic says:

    Someone let Josh in on the satire please :)

  6. Josh Houston says:

    I hate you Vic. Please refer to your e-mail for a more detailed description of how I loathe you.

  7. KimG says:

    Vic, though your article was fantastic to say the least, it was Josh’s tirade that made the reading experience worthwhile. Bravo. :)

  8. Josh Houston says:

    Once again I am the center of public mockery. Has anyone seen my dunce cap?

  9. Vic says:

    I think you can find it here (I’m on fire today!) :)

  10. Chris Phillips says:

    Great site v funny, however Josh’s comments were absolutely priceless!

  11. Nick Marsh says:

    what’s he differnce between the all blacks and a teabag?

    a teabag stays in the cup for longer…

    ba boom tssh

    I thank you…

  12. DiPresso says:

    oh man, does vic get to take a picture with Josh along with Josh’s weight and the gear vic used?

  13. I have to say… That is pretty pathetic…

    If you watch our 6:00 news; 30 mins of headlines, 25 mins of sport, 5 mins of weather, then the ‘nightline’ at 10:00 pm, 25 mins of news, 5 mins of weather then an entirely different show completley dedicated to sports news (mostly Rugby and the V8 supercars) is on next.

    The biggest section of our major newspaper, the New Zealand Herald is the Sports section… and twice a week there is two different sports sections in the same paper (one is a magazine-like inset)…

    So, either us NZ’ers are TOO sport oriented or there is not enough crime happening here… :P

  14. ali holmes says:

    Love it, well written and very funny. made the last half hour at work go much faster! keep it coming!

  15. Batman says:

    Hey Josh, daaaaaaaaaaaa!!!

  16. Batman says:

    Josh is so gullable, he even thinks the NY Giants are going to win the World Cup.

  17. The Mighty Caesar says:

    Vic you should write a column for the Onion. Good stuff.

  18. Thanks Josh for being such a numbnuts..I pissed my pants when I read that you actually believed Gregan could string more than 4 words together after Saturday without saying “Strewth” or “Crikey”..come on now, think about it!

    My blog may have been prophetic…who would have known eh…

  19. Josh Houston says:

    You mean they didn’t win already?

  20. Vic says:

    @ Caesar: Maybe I’ll submit the article for Onion Sports :)

  21. BillSeabrook says:

    Good one Vic! I was beleiving it until the 4th paragraph, which I read 3 times to makes sure I was reading it right.

  22. Mike Green says:

    On Saturday ( final night) 4 Friends and my self will watch the Rugby World Cup Final, in our little village of Bradfield, UK. We will have copies of the South African national anthem, as well as God Save the Queen. We will sing lustily to both, and have a few beers, in anticipation of a great game. Such is the beauty of Rugby, in contrast to the carping and winging of Australia and New Zealand. Both were fairly beaten, but neither seem to have inherited the sportsmanships and fair play of GB. We do not blame the players who have been exemplary in sportsmanship, but a hysterical press. Sad, in view of the fact that these are among the best Rugby nations. The whole point of all nations competed is that it promotes the game in all parts of the world. Long may it continue !

  23. Nancy says:

    Hey Vic,

    Can I be you when I grow up??

  24. Vic says:

    Depends how old I am when you do grow up ;)

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